So, I initially started blogging because I thought I was going away, and therefore thought a blog would be the best (laziest, really) way for the people I love (eh, most of you) to keep up with what I was doing on the other side of the world. This is all well and good,
except that i haven’t left (yet?).
For reasons unbeknown to me, I’m still here. And sometimes, admittedly, I’m a bit of a child about it.
This is kinda what it looks like in my head: aaaaaahhhh Maaaaaan I was soo ready to GOoooooo! I mean, really. I started a BLOG for crying out loud (avid bloggers please don’t eat me). I’d already had ideas of my ‘goodbye for now’ party (which would have been AWESOME, obviously); I’d started honing my chopstick skills (I’m trying to go to south korea to teach english to little cute asian kids); I’d already read up on korean food (a must, if you know how much I enjoy eating). And I’d told pretty much everyone I know. This is unusual in itself, because of my cautious…disposition i suppose. I like to hold things that I really want closely and quietly, and keep them until I KNOW for certain that they are a ‘done deal’. Then I’ll let it settle and savour it a little, and then let other people know. Not with Korea. Everyone knew before anything was settled that I really (no, REALLY) want to go. My parents were (and unfortunately still are, bless their souls) excitedly talking about what they’re going to do with my room when I’m gone.
Many of my close friends and people I value at church know about it, and have been faithfully praying for me (much appreciated). I am now experiencing the downside of this, however, because all these amazing people (annoying to me in the moment) keep asking me whether I’m going or not. It’s only annoying to me off course because I’m just as clueless as they are- and that SUCKS for me.
So I panic. and I lose sleep. and I constantly frown without knowing it and get paranoid about getting stomach ulcers. I worry. yes, that dreaded ‘w’ word that I know I’m not supposed to feel because I believe Jesus holds my future. And then I worry about the fact that I’m worrying, because I shouldn’t be worrying because Jesus holds my future (yes, it’s crazy in here).
So this goes on in my childish little head, until the grown up in me finally rolls her eyes, takes a stand and tells me:
1.) Calm. Down.
2.) You should probably be praying about this.
So I don’t know if you’ve gathered yet, but I’ve gathered by my amazing intellect that I’m pretty sure God is using this in-between period to teach me lessons about myself. Prayer is not my first choice in times of uncertainty. Also, uncertainty apparently makes me anxious (wow, really?). In light of the rest of my (hopefully long) life, I think God’s got a point in wanting to sort this out now. I haven’t lived all that long, but I hear things don’t get any more certain the older we get. Fun.
Anyway, so when I do eventually click and hit the reset button in my head, and actually go to God, it’s AMAZING (and quite predictable by now), the difference that takes place. God, in His Almighty goodness, takes that little girl, puts her on His lap, and patiently recounts time and again all the times He’s proven faithful to her. He takes the grown up in me on His lap too- cos His lap is big like that- and He tells her to listen too, because she needs to hear this just as much, lest she forgets that she is just as reliant on Him as the kid in me is.
and in those moments (yes, these happen often), the little kid in me is assured, that yes, life gets messier (probably), and things are always uncertain. But there is ONE Certainty. And He’s got little and grown up me on His big lap, and whether we’re going to korea or staying right where I am- I’ll be certain of Him. I think that’s a pretty damn good place to start.
Oh,I’ve been sleeping pretty darn well since that conversation, and I’m not really sitting, wishing or waiting anymore.