I got the awesome opportunity to sing this song for lots of people once. I was so excited, and so nervous, because I really enjoy mumford & sons and it felt like quite a privilege to be asked to lend my own voice to the song. Since then, I’ve been uncomfortable about the song. I suppose I just got sick of it, and got sick of the expectation that came with the song for me at the time. I don’t know if that makes sense.
A year later, and I’ve found a renewed passion for the song. It’s come back to me, and I now understand more and more what the words mean to me. I love it when that happens: those moments when you sing about things you recognize, but are not quite sure how to articulate why or how you recognize it, and then some time and life experience later, you have a light bulb moment and get what your soul had been trying to say. That song has been like that for me.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my soul lately.
Yeh, I’m deep- I know. I realized recently that at some point in my life, I’d made the decision to shut down some areas of my soul, one of those being the emotional part of me. Probably because of hurt, and also because I’d seen one too many times the damage caused by people living just by their emotions. And I decided I do not want to live like that.
Unfortunately, I realize now that I probably took it to the extreme. I stopped doing anything based on emotions, and became too clinical about my life. I think a lot of things died in me then- bad things that NEEDED to die, and in the process I learned how to control my emotions and not to let them rule me. I’m thankful for that. But good things died then too I think. Good things like passion (I stopped writing completely, because nothing could come out), and showing affection, and the ability to be vulnerable. My life became one dimensional; black and white. And I realize now that by my refusal to express my emotions, I’d robbed myself and others around me of an opportunity to grow. I’d also limited the ability of the people around me to love me, and I’d limited my ability to love them back.
Over the past 6 months though, something’s been tugging at my soul-strings. I’ve started writing and playing again, and I do believe God’s spoken into this part of my life and is awakening me again. I bought a lie, and God has come and offered something so much better. Emotions are a strength when we learn to control them, and channel them in the direction of something positive. I don’t mean that to sound airy fairy. I just mean, we all feel things and those feelings are important. What’s more important though is what we DO with those feelings. Sometimes we don’t need to DO anything at all, and this other side of the tension is a lie we’ve bought as well. So, feeling itself is not the problem. It’s a good thing, a sign that I’m alive.
I’m still on this journey, and I’ve much to learn. Even in writing this, an old part of me felt a reluctancy in saying even just a little bit. But I’m learning to give a little slack, and be brave about the things I feel, and embrace them a little more because the beauty of my soul is important to the One who it’s made for.
All this being said, I suppose it’s quite appropriate then that my favourite line of the song is “ and now my heart stumbles on things I don’t know, my weakness I feel I must finally show….”.