I woke up earlier than I usually do this morning, and as I lay in bed, I could hear the loud ticking of a watch. My friend had left his watch in my bag and I had taken it out for safe keeping. It’s got the loudest tick. A stressful, consistent tick. I couldn’t really sleep after hearing that tick.
That tick has got me pondering on the aspects of time and timing. It’s apt I think. Lately it’s been a thing for me- the timing of my life, and recognizing the times we’re living in (more on this particular pondering some other time).
I’m a firm believer that there are specific seasons in a person’s life, and that there are things I could do now, that would not be as effective as they could be if I were to do them 2 or 3 years down the line from now. So how do I know when to do what? I have no idea.
I’m in this strange in-between place right now where it feels as if there are things happening in my life that are making me question (and laugh at) the timing of things. Is father time’s clock out of batteries? Has someone knocked it over and made it skip a beat?
I have this feeling that I’m about to move away. It’s been a consistent thing, an aching thing for nearly a year now. A feeling. Physical proof? A year later, and it’s still next to none, save an application or two to a South Korean school, and an email from a possible connection in Australia. And yet in the last 2 weeks alone, I have received what to me seem like confirmations of the feeling that’s been stirring in my belly. In the meanwhile though, I decided I’m not going to sit around (see post 2 about sitting, waiting, wishing) and wait for something to happen. I’m going to LIVE.
Living has then consisted of my decision to blog anyway, writing and recording a song for a couple who are about to get married, starting a band, playing a gig, engaging in intriguing life conversations with people much wiser than I, and laughing at every opportunity at the randomness life has to throw at me. And in this living, I’ve seen even more how little I understand good timing. It makes no sense to me that I would start a band now, in this crucial time when I’m aching to LEAVE. It makes no sense that many of the people who have walked a journey with me in the last few years are up and leaving, or getting married- and I’m not able to share in any of those moments with them- because of timing. Is my timing ticker off its rocker? Has it stopped working altogether?
I don’t necessarily think I’ve found an answer to these questions, but I’ve definitely found a peace. I’m realizing more and more that my life is in fact as I suspected: a matter of seasons. Things are constantly ending and beginning. And sometimes things are ending and beginning at the same time. Or some things are ending, some are beginning, while some are in the middle. I can try to analyse this to death and figure it out. But it is what it is. It’s the goodness of God in giving me a life that’s full of mystery and surprises, than giving me one where things are set in stone and cut in angles and straight lines. I need to stop forgetting that fact. So I’ve decided I’m going to stop asking questions in the manner of time. The frustration in the lack of answers will kill me. Instead, I’ve decided a few things. I’ve decided that I don’t think timing is in my hands. Knowing who I am and how crazy things get in my head, I sure as hell hope it isn’t. I’d hook it up to a bomb, and tear things apart. So you should be thankful too. I’ve also decided that this time that I’m here, now, is what is important. It’s the BEST time. It’s THE time. Tomorrow’s not guaranteed.
King Solomon’s words come to me now, and I think of another time, and another friend-where we spoke about these exact things-a time and a bit ago. I think God’s timing in giving those words to us then were so I could remember them now. And let them give me hope.
“Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can.
And I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it.”
It greatly comforts me to know that the wisest king grappled with the same thoughts as I do.
A final thought, as it’s time for me to get up and make my way to the kitchen cos my belly knows what time it is: I think about all the goodness I’ve received since I stopped thinking of myself as someone sitting in a waiting room. And I wonder whether God’s timing in giving it all to me now rather than later is so I know in my heart that I’ve got so much to come back to.