Not for Nought

So it’s been a while. A REAL while. Looking back on the last blog, and thinking about all that’s changed in my life since then, it’s a little overwhelming. It’s a lot, so I won’t bore you with details. But this is an overview:

-Josh and I (Flint, meet Spark) are in the finals for an acoustic competition, and hoping to win some incredible prizes

-Flint, meet Spark has been playing around the place

-I’m not full-time at my job anymore

-I’ve started free-lance writing about music events in my city

-I turned 23

So, I initially started this blog because I was planning to move away for the year. Well, I don’t think THIS year is the year for that. Mostly because it’s nearly over, but also because it just seems as if my life is moving in a direction I did not expect.

I love change, and I welcome it. But I also realize that when it comes, it leaves me feeling a little frazzled and unsure. I feel like I’ve been walking around with a constipated look on my face this last month or so (if you’ve seen it, I apologize). Change is uncomfortable for me. I’ve always been that kid that you don’t tell what’s for supper, because if you change your mind and get something else, I’d get so confused and angry I’d not want to eat anymore. Yup.                                                                                                         So realizing and having it settle that this year isn’t panning out the way I thought, has been humbling, to say the least. I’m still in the process of trying not to be bitter or angry about all the things I don’t understand about this year.  Mostly, I’m trying not to lose hope. I’ve realized how easy that is. I’ve always been an extremely motivated person, but there have been times lately when I’ve questioned why I am getting up in the morning. This has NEVER been me. It’s been such a fight to not grumble and groan about my circumstances, and to finish strong. I’ve realized though, that I AM here, and I’m not going anywhere right now. This is the season that has been dealt to me, and even though I don’t understand it, I know that somewhere in my positive and fighter-self, I want to do this season WELL. Whatever it looks like. And so, many a self- pep-talk is to be had. I have to jump out of bed each morning and resist the urge to sleep in. I need to remember to throw myself into my day and take it as it comes.

I’m learning though. So much about myself and how I am built, and about how I need to be re-built. Some of my walls are tumbling down. Some are being fortified. I know that something is being built in me that perhaps would not have been able to stand had I had the year I thought I wanted. It’s uncomfortable, and so awkward. But I know that it’s not all for nought. It never is. There’s a confidence in me that I’ve never seen before, and I’m not looking behind me or waiting for anyone’s permission for anything now. There’s a freedom and an independence I’ve always wanted that I thought I’d find on another continent, that’s meeting me now. I’m willing to risk. I think it’s ‘cos I don’t think I have anything to lose anymore.  I probably never did. So I’m learning to thrive right here, and to see the goodness right in front of me. My plans may not have worked out as I thought, but regardless of that, I plan on owning this season- however long it may last. I feel like I’m getting back up on my feet again.

So if you see me, give me a hug and a hi-5 and some encouragement, please. But don’t let me talk bad about this time in my life, or let me take any of your room to complain. Because it’s garbage. I’m so blessed, it’s ridiculous. And I know it. Sometimes it’s just buried way deep inside of me and all my pride is on top of it. I think God is doing something about that ha ha. I will try to write a bit more, because I’ve missed it.

I think I’m growing up. 🙂

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